MANU IS VARI TOLL

Manu has been spelling words and phonetically understanding and reading short words for some time now.  But today is a landmark day...this morning, he wrote his first sentence on the newspaper !!!

Negotiation skills

So, Aarti and I bought Manu a set of plastic scissors with fun cutting blades (interchangeable, he’s got 6 of them!).  His latest stunt, therefore, is to put all these scissors in a basket, carry it on his head, and “sell them”.  And just to tease us, he doesn’t “sell” us scissors in any of the colours he has in the basket; rather, he insists that we ask for a colour that he doesn’t have, which he will then “sell” to us.

Now a couple of days back, he started his game as usual, so I decided to have some fun as well…

Manu: Appa, what colour scissors do you want?

Ani:     Purple (a colour he doesn’t have)

M:       OK, here’s purple for you.  Give me money.

A:        How much money?

M:       Five rupees.

A:        That’s too much, quote lower.

M:       OK, one rupees (sic)

A:        Still too high.

M:       Two rupees?  Then, very sweetly… Is that also too much?

A:        Yes.

M:       OK, then give me five rupees !!!

He’s certainly not in a hurry for a hot-shot career in sales, I can see…

The Linguist In Making

I know it is cool to speak English, I know it is cooler still for toddlers to wax eloquent in the said language, but Aniruddh and I are proud to be Tamil and were very particular that Manu mastered his mother tongue before he explored any other option. To the extent that Manu knew words like valai (Tamil for net, not bangle...) when he was all of 2 yrs old. Today, we are proud to say that there are few expressions in Tamil (with the exception of the famous profanities) that Manu does not understand. English was not a language that we exposed Manu to, and it was convenient too, considering all Ani and I had to do when we needed to talk about something Manu wasn't to understand, was to speak in English.


However, Manu has now started school, where the medium of instruction is English and funnily enough his complete lack of competence has not affected his confidence one bit. On the contrary, he insists that we explain words he does not understand and also makes a sincere effort to speak in the English he knows with some hilarious results. For one Manu thinks that if he speaks in English he needs to translate EVERY word, including Amma and Appa. So we become the very cool Mummy and Daddy!!


Here are some of Manu's classic English expressions...


1) Mummy...I am fell downing!! (I wouldn't even dare to resolve the syntax of this sentence)


2) (while colouring a carrot) I am carrot!!


3) (when asked why he doesn't visit my parents anymore) Be...cauuuuuuuuuuuse (sic) Adyar is wack!
[wack being his preferred term for "yuck"; Adyar is a locality in Chennai where my parents live]


4) (when asked when he will visit my parents) Tomorrow I coming Adyar.


5) (while stuffing sausages into Ani's mouth, as a response to what are you doing Manu) I am Daddy is eating. (Make what you want of this...)


6) (when asked to wash his hands) No, my hands is clean.


And many more in the pipeline...

The perfectionist

As an accountant by profession, rounding up and rounding off comes easily to me.  To the extent that I kept rounding up 27 years and 6 months onwards as 28, and when my 28th birthday came, I truly believed I was 29.  But enough about me, here's a snippet of a conversation between Manu and myself on our way back from school, about a month back:

Reader background:  He used to be in the habit of calling every child who wasn't obviously younger than him, as Anna (older brother) or Akka (older sister).

Ani:  So, what did you do in school today?
Manu:  I sang songs, played, and ate biscuits during the recess.
A:  And what did your friends get for snacks?
M:  They got ... ... ... .  And one Akka got Maggi noodles.
A:  Manu, they're all in your class, so you don't have to call them Akka or Anna, enough if you say "that boy" or "that girl" instead
M:  OK, but why shouldn't I call them "Akka" or "Anna"?
A:  Because they are all in your class.  They're all your age.
M:  No, you're wrong.  They all aren't my age.  Only I am of my age!

Blame it on the maternal genes...

Associations - what is, isnt...

Its been quite a while since our last post, blame it on a lot of work.  And in a short span of time, Manu seems to be growing up real fast, likes school, reads words by joining letters phonetically, etc.  But more importantly, he's started making associations between the known and the yet unknown.  Here are a couple of very recent examples:

When a vibrating mobile phone is not a vibrating mobile phone...
I always keep my phone in vibrate mode, and on a couple of occasions recently, he's been startled and tickled when the phone has rung.  Today, Manu was sitting on my lap, having his lunch and watching some CD on moral stories.  After an extended period of time sitting in a somewhat twisted position, he quite obviously had the pins and needles in his feet.  His only previous experiences with this / cramps been when squatting for long periods of time, and so not knowing how to express what he was feeling, he said:  "Appa, your cellphone is ringing inside my legs."  I've never thought of it that way !

Money in the pigpen?
On his way to school a few days back, Manu saw a signboard for ICICI Bank.  Having started attempting reading letters to form words, he read: Buh...aa..BA..n..kh..NK...BANK, and got the pronunciation correct.  Overjoyed, I had him do the high-fives, and then asked him, what's in a bank.  Classic response - piggies!  Possibly came out of a new piggy bank (which isn't a piggy BTW, but a smiley) that he got himself, two weeks back.

Kids DO say the darnedest things!

Bill Cosby is right, Kids DO say the darnedest things...

A few weeks back, Manu and I went to a nearby eat out to pick up some continental dinner. Now the last time he was there, he took a great liking to the owner of the place and called her a pretty girl. [For privacy issues, can't name the person ;-) ]. So this time, to incentivize him, I told Manu we're going to the place where he could meet "pretty girl" - let's call her "M". BTW, they also serve some amazing chocolate tarts that Manu likes, and he hadn't gone out all day, so I took him along for some fresh air.

Anyway, I'd finished ordering and the two of us were waiting for our meal to be packed, and M was nowhere to be seen. Its a small place, but the 3 other tables are all occupied. Manu's staring intently at every woman in the room, trying to figure out if that person is M in disguise. Then, he goes looking into nooks and crannies for M. Finally, our friend is going crazy, and is exasperated after his many futile attempts to find M. So he screams at the top of his voice..."Where is that PRETTY GIRL?" (sounds better in Tamil...Andha azhagaana akka enge?)

In colour terms, my face wasn't very different from the bottle of tomato ketchup on the table...

Spinning the most imaginative yarn yet...

So yesterday was Ganesh Chaturthi and as is the ritual every year, the family drove to the farm at Uthandi for the puja. As we drive by Valmiki Nagar Ani brings Manu's attention to the fact that Appa and Amma got married right there at Valmiki Nagar. Of course Ani is never done once he has disseminated information. Education has to be followed by either a stupid joke that Manu just cannot follow or worse still, something ridiculously wrong! So this Appa-Amma wedding story gets a new twist when Ani asks Manu why he was absent at our wedding. What followed was enough to keep us entertained for the rest of the day....

Ani: Manu, why did you not attend Appa-Amma's wedding?

Manu: I came, but I was standing outside.

Ani: Really?

Manu: Of course. But later, I was in the i20 (which my father in law purchased a couple of months back) with Selva mama (the driver my in laws employed when I was about 7 months pregnant) on my way to (sic) pandan (the building, named padmalaya, we moved to when Manu was 7 months old.).

Thank god Manu was born 3 yrs after we were married, for if any of this were actually true, I suspect Ani and I would have had to answer a whole lot of questions...

Meet the parents

Parents of Manu's "best friend" (only?) at school had us over for dinner last night. Here are some pictures of the P3 people cozying up !!!

Real cozy...

Tzaara said she was wearing a sari, Manu's doing his own thing...

That little angel in pink is Tzaara...from Delhi, recently relocated to Chennai. She can speak English and Hindi. Manu can understand bits of English and speaks broken English himself (he's far more at home with Tamil). But obviously, language wasn't a barrier !

FYI, Tzaara and Manu played, among other things, kitchen...so T cooked and M ate. Typical!

Pinkzoofielddinogascar

This is technically not a piece on what Manu did, but hopefully one of his several creative streaks that may end up with a Pulitzer or the like. This happened around the time of the ICC T20 world cup earlier this year, when Zoozoo was gaining popularity. Now, Manu absolutely adores Zoozoo, as he does Pink Panther and Madagascar (the movie) and, to a lesser extent, characters from Garfield.

One night, rather than me telling him a story, I urged him to tell me one. Here's how it went…Author's notes in [*]…

So, Pink Panther and "The Man" (the other character that appears in Pink Panther cartoons) are playing cricket. PP is bowling while The Man is batting. PP is tired. A Zoozoo [specifically, Cool Zoozoo] passes by. PP calls out "Hey, Zoozoo, come here". CZ comes, and PP tells CZ to field because he himself (PP) is too tired to. PP promises CZ a burger for his efforts.

After PP, The Man and CZ play for a while [and presumably, CZ has honoured his part of the bargain], they take a break, and PP buys CZ a burger. CZ takes the burger and walks on, when he comes across Roy Rooster [this is a character, and a nasty one at that, from Garfield], who gives CZ "tapioca pudding" as a gift because it is "National Tapioca Pudding Day". [Incidentally, there is such a day – July 15, but Manu doesn't know that. This is, again, a reference to an episode from Garfield. The "gift" is actually a spring loaded jack-in-the-box type of device that, when opened, lets splat the tapioca pudding on the gift-opener's (???) face.]

CZ is wondering which one to eat first – the tapioca pudding or the burger, and decides to walk on a little more before settling down. When he does halt, he chooses the burger. A Dinosaur [from a favourite PP episode of Manu's], which is also hungry, sneaks up on CZ, steals the pudding, and runs away.

[By this time, Manu is getting really sleepy, so he wants to wrap up quickly.]

Dino then reaches a ship that’s leaving port, and jumps on to it. The ship is commandeered by 4 penguins called Skipper, Kowalski, Rico and Private [characters from Madagascar, the movie], which is headed for Antarctica. Dino opens the gift only to have pudding splattered all over his face. So when the ship berths at Madagascar, he dunks his face into the water to wash off the pudding.

It'll be interesting to see how Manu handles the copyright legal eagles, if this story should every go into print…

Three cheers! Hic, hic, hooray!

Aarti and I have always wanted to bring up Manu in a worldly way (if that makes sense!) and we try to do that as far as possible. To clarify by example, we let him serve water to mix with whisky, but tell him that he can drink only when he's old enough…am sure you get the picture.

Funny that I mentioned whisky, and here's why.

All three of us (Manu, Aarti and I) were on a Delhi-Chennai flight recently and I had upgraded all of us to business class on vouchers. [Note, that my first business class flight was at age 29 and Aarti's at age 31, while Manu does this at age 3…].

The exclusivity of business class and the fact that he had an entire seat to himself in which to get lost, was a thrilling experience for Manu, but it seemed like it came to him quite naturally. In no time, he was demanding various victuals and stuff from the flight attendants, like a seasoned pro! He particularly seemed to like the fact that there were glasses instead of the regular plastic cups, to drink from, and also multiple sets of cutlery…overall, he enjoyed it thoroughly.

And then came the best part. The in-flight meal service was over, and the entire cabin was silent, when Manu felt thirsty. He asked for something to drink, and so we got him an apple juice – in a glass. He gets it, and then screams across the aisle (and he's in the window seat, while I'm on the aisle seat on the other side), "Appa, look, I'm drinking whiskey ! Cheers !!!"

I don't think Aarti and I have ever turned any more redder than we did that evening!

Recency effect

This is probably a little late, but to Aarti and me, this is an evergreen story...

I've heard a lot about the "recency effect", particularly when it comes to performance evaluations – where the last few things on your mind influence the way you evaluate a subordinate. Didn't think I'd see that a lot outside of work, but here's a stark reminder.

A few months back, Manu was heavily into guns. Obviously not the real kind, but the toy ones, where the bullets are essentially darts with a rubber head, which work on the principle of vacuum and stick to the surface they're shot at/on. He was buying guns at the rate of one a day (including a few that said "Forbid Shoot Man" – moral instructions for use??? More about that later).

It was a night that I was putting him to bed, and once again, the bedtime story was the Ramayana. By this time he'd heard the "Dasaratha story" quite a few times, and could hold his own if he were telling the story, up to the point where the four babies are born (he even knows their names). So here goes…

Aniruddh: So, long ago, there was a king called…

Manu: Dasaratha

Aniruddh: Good, and what was he the king of?

M: Ayodhiya (sic)

A: Super. How many queens did he have?

M: Three

A: Good. Now everyone in the country was happy and prosperous. But not the king and his queens.

M: Why appa? [Appa = Dad]

A: They were sad. And they were sad because, they did not have any…

M: Guns !!!

Aarti and I laughed our guts out that night!!! What's worse, is that he now says that on purpose…sadist.

A day of learning...for all concerned

A sweet-face child; a crying child, as one shall see in a summer's day.
- William Shakespeare, but adapted with sincere apologies to him, and not far from the truth on the first day that Manu went to school.

Aarti and I had prepped Manu up for the joys of going to school, especially of the likes of Bambino. The school came highly recommended by some people we know. We weren't disappointed, and hoped Manu wouldn't either.

The sweet-face child
11 June 2009 started with Manu wanting to take his shoes off as soon as he got into the school premises, and to go down a slide that was shorter than him. Then came the school prayer and some general activities, and people applauding themselves and others around them. Now, of late, Manu has had a problem with applause / claps, and that can really wind him up. I think that probably set the stage for the bad mood !

Daddy's boy Manu went and sat in the last row in the classroom. He also placed himself strategically next to both the snack packs all kids carried, and to the classroom door. While the former is always a useful habit to have, the latter may not help until he gets into college (at least I haven't heard of kids being able to "bunk" school). So far, so good, considering that there were quite a few kids in his own class and classroom that were already anywhere between silently weeping and loudly wailing.

A crying child
And then came the waterworks…I was asked by the teachers to let the kids stay alone. They said they'll call in case there was a problem. They did.

I went back, consoled Manu and told him that the other children were his "friends" (he's seeing sooooo many kids in one place, for the first time in his life; all his "friends" are over the age of 24 !). I also told him that he must participate in the class activities. We're still not sure if he was crying because I'd left, or because of the kids around him. Is that what they call "peer pressure" these days?

What attitude!
The reformed Manu then went right to the front row, and was intently watching the teacher telling stories and singing songs, rhymes, etc. Here's the best part. The teacher sang a song (can't remember the words) in the same tune as "This old man, he played one…". Manu, who knows the entire rhyme, stopped her in her tracks and said "No, you're singing it wrong. It's 'This old man' !" I tell you, this old man… And when she started the rhyme (just to please him), she did so with "This old man, he played three". Once again, Manu had to correct her that the numbers start with one, not three. Quis tutores ipsos tutors?

Not a bad first day at school, but could definitely get better in the days to come. What's more, we're waiting for Manu's stories to start...

But I can safely say one thing. I now fully appreciate Bob Dylan...

Come mothers and fathers, throughout the land
And don't criticize what you can't understand
Your sons and your daughters are beyond your command
Your old road is rapidly agin'.
Please get out of the new one if you can't lend your hand
For the times they are a-changin'.

Career options

or, "Of human bandage"

No, this has nothing to do with Maugham. But I think Manu fancies himself as a personal trainer. He seems to have complete belief in my abilities to win in the Ultimate Fighting Championship. And so, it would seem, that he's assumed the role of personal trainer, mental strategist, everything, for me. I say he's assumed the role, because I don't recall ever asking him if he'd like the job. In addition, I have empirical proof of his intentions, which I submit for your, the reader's, consideration.

Fluids
It is well known that one needs adequate fluids in any form of physical exertion. One of the biggest causes of hypovolemia (decrease in blood volume) is insufficient fluids. While I do have my usual 4-5 litres a day, Manu ensures that I consume a lot more, by feeding me extra. The only thing is, this feeding is usually when I'm lying down, and often, lying inclined with my head at a lower level. In such cases, the water flow is more than I can handle, and usually rushes through my nose. In some cultures, its called "waterboarding".

Flexibility
I have a torn ligament and tendon on my right knee, from a bike accident a few years back. Manu is intent on making sure I'm fully fit for the big night, so he helps me exercise by making me lie face down on the bed, and then turning my right leg at the knee. By the laws of nature, the leg can move in only one direction, folding backwards at the knee. But I think the requirements for the UFC are very different, so I get side stretches and even the occasional bend forwards at the knee. My shrieks of pain need to get better, because at the moment, its obvious that to Manu they sound like I'm enjoying my exercises.

Lung capacity
Manu tests my lung capacity and helps me build lung size. This usually takes the approach of a bizarre form of forced apnoea (or apnea), which is skilfully executed by first placing a very large, hard pillow on my face, when I'm lying on my back, then sitting on the pillow to make sure I cannot dislodge it. This goes on for a few minutes at a time, and we do 2-3 reps for a couple of sets.

Physical stress tolerance
This is definitely important for WWF-type fights, but am not sure about the need for it in the UFC. This is quite simple to execute for my trainer – he gets me lying face down on the bed, then imagines he's Clint Eastwood riding his favourite horse, going over rocky mountains and totally uneven terrain. So little Clint here has to jump on his saddle (in this case his Bronco). There are also reflex tests built in to some of these stress tests – for these, Manu comes up with surprise moves, usually targeted at or below my stomach, including punches and drop kicks.

So you see, my personal trainer is hard at work. Only thing is that I'm having second thoughts now –is he really to be a personal trainer (and preparing me for the UFC), or is Manu headed for a career as correctional officer at Guantanamo?

Right-wing morals from a CD

Manu doesn't watch, and doesn’t like watching TV. You see, he's a new-age kid, so he entertains himself with the computer. God knows we've spent more on repairs than the original price of the PC, but that's another story. So, Aarti and I buy a lot of educational CDs for Manu. Now, these are either in English or in traditional (as opposed to domestically spoken) Tamil, and because Manu can't understand either, he insists that we tell him the story in a way he can comprehend.

The other day, I was sitting with him, and watching a CD of moral stories in English. It was the story of the Woodcutter and the Axe.

Now, we all know this story, of course. A poor but honest woodcutter drops his iron axe into a river (or someplace he can't get it back from), thereby losing his only means of livelihood. He is distraught, for he doesn't know how he's going to feed the many mouths at home.

At that point, a fairy appears, first with a diamond axe, which the woodcutter rejects because it doesn't belong to him. She then brings up a golden axe, and then a silver one. Again, the honest woodcutter rejects these as not being his property.

When she finally brings up his iron axe that he lost, he claims it and is happy. The fairy then praises him for his honesty, and as a reward, by giving him the other three axes also.

Intended moral of the story:
Honesty is the best policy (or similar).

Manu the child's first (and incorrect) moral:
You should throw your axe into the water.

Manu the (now) reformed capitalist's moral:
If you throw one axe into the river, you get three more.

PETA

This one takes the cake, and happened half an hour back.

Aarti was reading a book in the other room, and I was working on my laptop, when we heard Manu crying in the bedroom. So the two of us rushed back to comfort him. Which is when he told us that he doesn't want to go to jail. BTW, as with most parents and their children, jail is our preferred destination for bad / unruly / indisciplined kids (though in our defence, we immediately say that the we sent the cops away - those who came to take Manu to jail).

In order to comfort him and to make him feel good about himself (also to dissuade him from the jail thought), we told him that the Aanai-cat had been sent to jail. And he immediately started howling, louder than before! So Aarti asked him why he was still crying, and he said "I don't want Aanai-cat to go to jail" ;-)

Do PETA's policies and principles cover Aanai-cats also? I know of a volunteer who can sign up in 15 years time...

A story of epic proportions

Here's an example of experiential and logical thinking at its simplistic best. Trust only the little ones to do it !

I'm a big fan of Indian epics and stories, particularly the Mahabharata and Ramayana (in that order). And so I'm keen to pass on these stories in the traditional way – as a storyteller would – to Manu, rather than have him read them when he's older.

I wasn't too sure how Manu might react to the concept of five brothers on the one side and a 100 on the other; plus, the Mahabharata has a decidedly more complex storyline, so I started off with the Ramayana. He's heard the story quite a few times now, so I decided to let him input as we went along, and hence this post is presented largely in conversational style.

[To provide the context to the reader – Manu had just had his nightly glass of milk, I'd helped him rinse his mouth and gargle, then put the mug for wash. A little while later, he was in bed, and I was narrating the Ramayana to him. Incidentally, and for some vague reason, he calls it the "Dasaratha story" !]

Here's how the storytelling session went…

Aniruddh: So, long ago, there was a king. He ruled over the kingdom of …

Manu: Ayodhiya (sic)

A: Good . The king's name was…

M: Dasaratha

A: Very good ! Now, Dasaratha had 3 queens, called…?

M: Kausaliya (sic), Chumitwa (sic) and Kai-kay (sic)

A: Good. So, the king and queens did not have children for a very long time. Then one day, the conducted an elaborate puja {descriptions edited}, and from the fire there emerged a God. He had a special dessert in a cup. Then what happened?

M: Kausaliya had a sip, then Chumitwa had a sip, then Kai-kay had a sip, then there was some left. So Chumitwa had another sip.

A: Excellent. And then, what did the God do?

M: He got them to rinse their mouths, cleaned the dessert cup, and went back into the fire !

Elephant-cat

Elephant-cat (or Aanai-cat in Tanglish, because it sounds better) is a fictional animal that, simply put, has the combined characteristics of the elephant and the cat. It is supposed to be this large, hulking, dark coloured animal, with a trunk and two tusks (in short, an elephant), but which meows (like a cat) in a deep, low voice.

The essential function of the Aanai-cat is to scare kids, into doing something "good" and/or not doing "bad". Both the presence and absence of the Aanai-cat is used as an incentive to get Manu to do (or not do) something that Aarti & I want (or don't want) him to do!

While Aanai-cats have an overall form (see above), that form is only imaginary, since nobody (to the best of our knowledge) has seen one, but Manu doesn't know that. It is believed that they are quite lithe and can move without making the smallest sound. Yet, in spite of their proclaimed size, they can move around quite freely, almost like air – for instance, they can get into the bedroom from the living room, through the gap between the closed bedroom door and the floor.

The fact is, Aanai-cats can be found almost anywhere. Which is a firm contradiction of the truth, considering that they are usually never in the same room, preferring to wait outside and pounce on the unsuspecting kid that dares to cross the threshold of the room. At times, they can be found under the bed, making noises that, strangely, sound as if one of us is knocking on the bedside table. This noise is the sound of the elephant-cat stomping around under the bed, waiting for a pair of kid's legs to hit the floor before making its move to grab them for its meal.

One must remember that Aanai-cats are never found in or near schools, because it is afraid of kids in large numbers. [Thankfully, we've had to use this only once to date, since Manu doesn't seem to be too opposed to the idea of school – maybe even looking forward to it !].

I do hope there will come a time when either (a) Manu realises the impossibility of the premise of an Aanai-cat or (b) we won't need to use this creature as a means to our ends. But till then, praise be to the Aanai-cat !!!

PS: 28 May 2009: Read the update here !

Background to stories

Dear Reader,

Whether or not we believe in their creative abilities (or even acknowledge or deny such abilities in ourselves), every parent has, at some stage or the other, been forced to tell half-truths and whole lies in order to get their kid(s) to fall in line. The ultimate purpose could be anything - getting kids to obey, providing kids an incentive, or simply putting kids to bed.

Over time, I think we have a tendency to forget, and this means that the precious little results of those creative abilities are lost forever. I don't intend to let this happen, hence this series of posts.

Here, you will find mythical creatures (eg, the Elephant-cat), improved uses of existing facilities, functionalities and objects, and weird melanges of stories that involve characters from not only different cartoons / advertisements / entertainment sources, but which straddle various eras (triassic through jurassic and cretaceous, to modern day) and multiple points of the time-space continuum. You will also find Manu's variations of stories, which are presented in conversational form. At times, the stories will (hopefully not) dry up, which means Aarti or I haven't been too creative. Your suggestions will definitely help!

If you like what you read, don't like what you read, or have suggestions for more stories of the nature you'll find on this blog (which we can use), feel free to post a comment / mail me / write on my FB wall / whatever. But whatever you do, I hope you will appreciate the difficulty I've been through to create these "stories" and ideas of fiction, considering how un-creative I otherwise am.

Am sure JK Rowling will be proud of the mythical creatures - as to where to find them, look no farther than my own home!